Forgiveness

You should have seen my face. I was so excited to talk about food and this blog this morning and I was all set to blog. And like most days, I went on fb. I saw a conversation that struck a chord so I thought rather than discuss the many happenings in my kitchen, I am going to discuss this; Forgiveness.

For a very long time I was bitter. Heck, sometimes, I'm still bitter. Don't even get me started on the parking spot situation in Chiberia hahahahahaha! Really though, all jokes aside, I spent the majority of the years in my life focusing on the negative things, I got saved at 21. That mean's 21 years of doing nothing but being angry and rotten to the core, where emotions lead and common sense didn't exist. And now, 8 years later, sometimes, something sparks a memory or moment and bam! I've taken 3 steps back. With Jesus, the only thing I can say is, it's a human thing. We are flesh and we live in a world that is often times pretty negative and it doesn't help that social media condones or even expects this kind of negative behavior. What we forget sometimes is that we are made new in Jesus. We don't wear the same old bag of skin we did before him. We don't have to be like the world and we don't need to focus on the bad stuff. So, when someone is acting a fool with you, you have the right to move on as long as you can lovingly let go; thus Forgiveness.

When I think of Forgiveness I think of a few things. Sure Jesus pops to mind, bleeding on the cross but more often then that, a few people come to mind. Some being family, others close friends, random strangers who flipped me off during my days of driving in Texas. Moving forward from the past isn't necessarily easy but it doesn't make any sense to hold on to things that take up space in the heart or the mind. Usually, I think of that adage about it being like poison and how you're slowly killing yourself by remaining mad or unforgiving.

So let's talk specifics. I was, much like most people in their late teens or early twenties, entitled. When I became a Christian I made amends with the family members I had issues with. One of the family members was my dad. Before, I thought because my father was not around for my childhood I could manipulate and do whatever I wanted and for a while I did. I lived with him for four months during my Freshman year in high school and played guilt trip after guilt trip when I was in college and even to some degree when I was an adult. I hadn't seen him in years when we made amends and for once in a very long time I was hopeful that we could begin to restore a very broken relationship. He had a lot of expectations and I had my guard up. There was no way I wanted to let the same person who let me down a million times hurt me any longer but I wanted to let Christ lead and give my father the benefit of the doubt. He was really happy to see me when he saw me. My step mother was there and so was my tiny little sister. He gave me some money for gas because he knew I was staying with my maternal grandmother in the city and wanted me to have some money. He said how much he'd give me but ended up giving me less. I was grateful for anything he offered and gave but I kind of saw that he wasn't going to change. For me it was always the little things. How can a person give you their word and constantly break it? It wasn't a matter of cash, it was a matter of principal. Thinking back on it I believe for him, it was a matter of heart. He may have wanted to give me more but couldn't. Or he could have just not paid attention or remembered but those little things would linger for me. It was a reminder of the times he broke promises before. We had our ups and downs and at some point cut communication completely. After a few years we met up again. This time without expectation, although I did tell him I wanted to see my younger brother. We had a great time. My husband was with us. And that was that. I'm not sure how we lost touch but as it always happened, we eventually did. Until one day years later when I was 7 months pregnant.

He called and said  "Hi"

I responded with

"Hi..."

and he said "hey bunny, it's your uncle Vince"

I responded with "no, this is your daughter Renee..."

needless to say I was pretty upset. I mean, I was as big as a house and overly emotional. I was swollen because when it rains, it pours and we lived on a second floor and had just lost our electricity which meant no AC (I'm from Chicago, I am only okay in fridged temperatures). I was also in the process of losing my elderly great grandmother and had just had a fight with some in laws. And to top it off, he didn't even mean to call me. I was insulted. I was angry. Most of all, I was hurt. He didn't mean to call me. He had no idea he was calling me. It was a fluke. We had a conversation where I threw the fact that I was having my first baby, without his knowledge, in his face and we talked a little more. He let me throw some vicious jabs about the same stuff I was mad about for the past 20 years and then it was over. The last thing we discussed was how I would let him know if I was interested in continuing contact. I took the weekend. My great grandmother was dying. I was listening to Hey Jude and decided that I was done. I could love him and respect him and forgive him but realized that I didn't have to keep him in my life in order to do those things. Part of me was relieved to have any expectation he had of me lifted but it was also very heart breaking. The facade was gone. I would never be 'daddy's girl' because I never was. I'm not sure why the Lord was allowing this but I felt at peace with the decision, after I cried for about 10 minutes. My father always had a way of trying to reel me back in- "do it for your sister, she misses you and wants to get to know you" "come on mija, you're my daughter" "you're just as equal as the other kids, you're in my will". Years later I can look back and see the manipulation. It was never a healthy relationship.

It took the eyes of Christ to see that he was a broken and flawed man. I couldn't fault him for being who he was in my life. He didn't know how to be anything different from what he was in our family dynamic. I've always thought he was a great dad, just not to me. He was the dad who played football with my brothers and taught my sisters self respect. He gave them time, affection and love because he didn't have a dad and wanted to be a great dad to them. For too long I felt upset because all he gave me was 'daddy issues' lol. What I found out later is that he gave me more than what he gave any of my estranged siblings, a sense of independence and an opportunity to figure out self respect for myself. I learned to fly on my own because there was never a net to catch me. And THANK GOD FOR MY MOTHER. If I ever fell, she was always there to pick me back up. By learning these valuable lessons I came to Christ on my own without a warped interpretation of who a Christian was. What I hadn't mentioned in this entire post is that my father is a Christian. Or at least I hope he is by now. My siblings had to grow up trying to figure out how the father they knew was so broken apart by me (not to mention that all of them are incredibly far away from Christ which I do believe has to do with being from a household where the faith is only partially practiced). He was so strong to them but so weak when I was around. Every time I came back into his life I caused stress and pain. I was a constant reminder of a situation that he couldn't control and the loss of a true love he found in my mother and the loss of his first daughter. When I was around things fell apart. He couldn't help his emotions.It was too much for him to bare. I hope now, he may have been able to forgive himself for everything that happened in the past 30 years but I'm not sure. Although I will say, I do pray for him and his family.

Christ has a way of lifting the veil so we can see what he sees. We have to ask Jesus for wisdom and seek Jesus to be able to do these things. Our human minds and hearts cannot comprehend forgiveness without knowing what true forgiveness is. Jesus forgave me of my sins by being nailed to a cross. All I have to do is let love and peace come into my heart and let forgiveness wash over it as I let go of the hurts and pain others have cause. Easier said than done, I know, but nobody is asking for me to be nailed to a cross.

I'd like to mention just a few more things, first, when I think of the many many people I have forgiven, the first and most important one that comes to mind is always me. I mean, honestly, I have to look myself in the mirror every day. I have to be alone with my thoughts. Forgiving myself was a real eye opener when I finally figured it out. After years of disillusion in broken relationships I realized that I had placed the blame on the wrong person(s). Friends, family, situations, which were all partially to blame but I was accepting of certain things or situations but never really allowed myself to be angry with them. So I took some time, allowed some anger and a handful of tears and gave it to Jesus. You'd be amazed at how freeing it truly is. Receiving an apology can help you move forward from the shackles of what you thought was binding you but the expectation could be too high and unrealistic. If you wait all of your days stewing in anger because of unforgiveness than how can you move on? Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for you.

Much love and peace be with you brothers and sisters. My you be able to shed the bondage of unforgiveness from your heart and have a new more beautiful and productive heart and life through forgiveness.