Forgiveness

You should have seen my face. I was so excited to talk about food and this blog this morning and I was all set to blog. And like most days, I went on fb. I saw a conversation that struck a chord so I thought rather than discuss the many happenings in my kitchen, I am going to discuss this; Forgiveness.

For a very long time I was bitter. Heck, sometimes, I'm still bitter. Don't even get me started on the parking spot situation in Chiberia hahahahahaha! Really though, all jokes aside, I spent the majority of the years in my life focusing on the negative things, I got saved at 21. That mean's 21 years of doing nothing but being angry and rotten to the core, where emotions lead and common sense didn't exist. And now, 8 years later, sometimes, something sparks a memory or moment and bam! I've taken 3 steps back. With Jesus, the only thing I can say is, it's a human thing. We are flesh and we live in a world that is often times pretty negative and it doesn't help that social media condones or even expects this kind of negative behavior. What we forget sometimes is that we are made new in Jesus. We don't wear the same old bag of skin we did before him. We don't have to be like the world and we don't need to focus on the bad stuff. So, when someone is acting a fool with you, you have the right to move on as long as you can lovingly let go; thus Forgiveness.

When I think of Forgiveness I think of a few things. Sure Jesus pops to mind, bleeding on the cross but more often then that, a few people come to mind. Some being family, others close friends, random strangers who flipped me off during my days of driving in Texas. Moving forward from the past isn't necessarily easy but it doesn't make any sense to hold on to things that take up space in the heart or the mind. Usually, I think of that adage about it being like poison and how you're slowly killing yourself by remaining mad or unforgiving.

So let's talk specifics. I was, much like most people in their late teens or early twenties, entitled. When I became a Christian I made amends with the family members I had issues with. One of the family members was my dad. Before, I thought because my father was not around for my childhood I could manipulate and do whatever I wanted and for a while I did. I lived with him for four months during my Freshman year in high school and played guilt trip after guilt trip when I was in college and even to some degree when I was an adult. I hadn't seen him in years when we made amends and for once in a very long time I was hopeful that we could begin to restore a very broken relationship. He had a lot of expectations and I had my guard up. There was no way I wanted to let the same person who let me down a million times hurt me any longer but I wanted to let Christ lead and give my father the benefit of the doubt. He was really happy to see me when he saw me. My step mother was there and so was my tiny little sister. He gave me some money for gas because he knew I was staying with my maternal grandmother in the city and wanted me to have some money. He said how much he'd give me but ended up giving me less. I was grateful for anything he offered and gave but I kind of saw that he wasn't going to change. For me it was always the little things. How can a person give you their word and constantly break it? It wasn't a matter of cash, it was a matter of principal. Thinking back on it I believe for him, it was a matter of heart. He may have wanted to give me more but couldn't. Or he could have just not paid attention or remembered but those little things would linger for me. It was a reminder of the times he broke promises before. We had our ups and downs and at some point cut communication completely. After a few years we met up again. This time without expectation, although I did tell him I wanted to see my younger brother. We had a great time. My husband was with us. And that was that. I'm not sure how we lost touch but as it always happened, we eventually did. Until one day years later when I was 7 months pregnant.

He called and said  "Hi"

I responded with

"Hi..."

and he said "hey bunny, it's your uncle Vince"

I responded with "no, this is your daughter Renee..."

needless to say I was pretty upset. I mean, I was as big as a house and overly emotional. I was swollen because when it rains, it pours and we lived on a second floor and had just lost our electricity which meant no AC (I'm from Chicago, I am only okay in fridged temperatures). I was also in the process of losing my elderly great grandmother and had just had a fight with some in laws. And to top it off, he didn't even mean to call me. I was insulted. I was angry. Most of all, I was hurt. He didn't mean to call me. He had no idea he was calling me. It was a fluke. We had a conversation where I threw the fact that I was having my first baby, without his knowledge, in his face and we talked a little more. He let me throw some vicious jabs about the same stuff I was mad about for the past 20 years and then it was over. The last thing we discussed was how I would let him know if I was interested in continuing contact. I took the weekend. My great grandmother was dying. I was listening to Hey Jude and decided that I was done. I could love him and respect him and forgive him but realized that I didn't have to keep him in my life in order to do those things. Part of me was relieved to have any expectation he had of me lifted but it was also very heart breaking. The facade was gone. I would never be 'daddy's girl' because I never was. I'm not sure why the Lord was allowing this but I felt at peace with the decision, after I cried for about 10 minutes. My father always had a way of trying to reel me back in- "do it for your sister, she misses you and wants to get to know you" "come on mija, you're my daughter" "you're just as equal as the other kids, you're in my will". Years later I can look back and see the manipulation. It was never a healthy relationship.

It took the eyes of Christ to see that he was a broken and flawed man. I couldn't fault him for being who he was in my life. He didn't know how to be anything different from what he was in our family dynamic. I've always thought he was a great dad, just not to me. He was the dad who played football with my brothers and taught my sisters self respect. He gave them time, affection and love because he didn't have a dad and wanted to be a great dad to them. For too long I felt upset because all he gave me was 'daddy issues' lol. What I found out later is that he gave me more than what he gave any of my estranged siblings, a sense of independence and an opportunity to figure out self respect for myself. I learned to fly on my own because there was never a net to catch me. And THANK GOD FOR MY MOTHER. If I ever fell, she was always there to pick me back up. By learning these valuable lessons I came to Christ on my own without a warped interpretation of who a Christian was. What I hadn't mentioned in this entire post is that my father is a Christian. Or at least I hope he is by now. My siblings had to grow up trying to figure out how the father they knew was so broken apart by me (not to mention that all of them are incredibly far away from Christ which I do believe has to do with being from a household where the faith is only partially practiced). He was so strong to them but so weak when I was around. Every time I came back into his life I caused stress and pain. I was a constant reminder of a situation that he couldn't control and the loss of a true love he found in my mother and the loss of his first daughter. When I was around things fell apart. He couldn't help his emotions.It was too much for him to bare. I hope now, he may have been able to forgive himself for everything that happened in the past 30 years but I'm not sure. Although I will say, I do pray for him and his family.

Christ has a way of lifting the veil so we can see what he sees. We have to ask Jesus for wisdom and seek Jesus to be able to do these things. Our human minds and hearts cannot comprehend forgiveness without knowing what true forgiveness is. Jesus forgave me of my sins by being nailed to a cross. All I have to do is let love and peace come into my heart and let forgiveness wash over it as I let go of the hurts and pain others have cause. Easier said than done, I know, but nobody is asking for me to be nailed to a cross.

I'd like to mention just a few more things, first, when I think of the many many people I have forgiven, the first and most important one that comes to mind is always me. I mean, honestly, I have to look myself in the mirror every day. I have to be alone with my thoughts. Forgiving myself was a real eye opener when I finally figured it out. After years of disillusion in broken relationships I realized that I had placed the blame on the wrong person(s). Friends, family, situations, which were all partially to blame but I was accepting of certain things or situations but never really allowed myself to be angry with them. So I took some time, allowed some anger and a handful of tears and gave it to Jesus. You'd be amazed at how freeing it truly is. Receiving an apology can help you move forward from the shackles of what you thought was binding you but the expectation could be too high and unrealistic. If you wait all of your days stewing in anger because of unforgiveness than how can you move on? Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for you.

Much love and peace be with you brothers and sisters. My you be able to shed the bondage of unforgiveness from your heart and have a new more beautiful and productive heart and life through forgiveness.

Taco Thursday...

So I've been doing a lot of cooking. Lot's of running around. Some church stuff. It's been a great week. I think at this point I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that there are very few hours in the day and I cannot blog everyday like I had originally intended... not yet anyway.

I've decided to put a limit on the time spent online playing games - yes I play Candy Crush. I do some Facebook and I'm beginning to feel like those time robbers are simply that, time robbers. So with that, I decided I'd like to be more wise with the time God has given me. I couldn't imagine telling God what I did with my day if I should suddenly die... "Oh hi God, I was playing Candy Crush instead of building your kingdom..." That's not going to work for me anymore.

This is my $15 jar of organic coconut oil. So worth it.

Alright, now on to the good stuff, I made this in less than 15 minutes because I did the entire meal in pieces, so really it was more of the finishing touches and reheating that took 15 minutes. I had some grass-fed ground meat that I bought and was excited to use but it had been so long since I had ground meat that I didn't know what to make. It was only a pound so I did my best to make it stretch. I didn't want to make a red sauce because it would mask the flavor so I went with an easy taco dinner. There was enough for my baby boy, my husband and myself to have dinner and for my husband to take lunch. I try to always make enough food for him to take a lunch. I hate the idea of him spending money on food that someone made when I can make it better and healthier. 

Coconut oil in a nonstick pan

I'm a fan of crispy tacos so I grabbed some store bought corn tortillas and fried them in organic coconut oil. I hate overly processed foods and this is way cheaper than paying someone else to do it. $.35 (maybe even $.33) for a pack of tortillas and a few tablespoons of coconut oil and we are on our way! The steps here are pretty simple, fry on one side until it gets noticeably more pliable, fry on the other side for a moderately paced count of three then flip one more time but this time fold it in half and hold it down until it keeps it's halved shape. I like to use a set of tongs while doing this. When it's crispy and a darker shade of yellow, remove them, let any liquid inside of the shell drip out over the pan and repeat for said number of tortillas. I'd like to mention, there is this phenomenon that happens sometimes when you are heating the first side of the tortilla. It begins to puff up and collect air. My mother in law says this is a sign that somebody loves me and it always reminds me of her when it happens. I usually look at my husband and bat my eyes at him and say "somebody loves me!!? The tortilla just told me so..." then we laugh because he know's I'm poking fun at his mom in a non-jerk way. When the tortilla begins to puff I like to carefully deflate it by making a tiny incision by the bubble. VERY HOT STEAM will come from the cut section so be extra careful to avoid getting burned... just like in love... Okay, I'll stop being a dork now. I place the crispy shell on to a drying rack and let any excess coconut oil fall onto a napkin, or if I have it available, a very absorbent newspaper.

Crispy taco shells

I collect Pyrex... I don't just collect pyrex, I use my pyrex!

Reheated and ready to eat. 

So, as I mentioned earlier, I did things at random times. I threw my seasoned meat into a nonstick pan sans oil, as the beef would cook in it's own oils, and added onions, organic mixed veggies and some dehydrated corn. I did this at 10pm the night before I planned to eat this for dinner because I didn't really feel like having my husband fend for himself for lunch. It's one of those things I take to heart, I'm a stay at home wife, at the very least, he should have a nice pseudo healthy lunch made by me! The amount in the picture was taken after his lunch had been removed.

Crock pot pinto beans

Beans are incredibly easy. I like to toss them in some water to soak for as little as an hour and as long as a day. I rinse and throw them into the crock pot and add salt. My mother in law says add some fresh garlic and a little oil for flavor but I'm usually just not paying much attention and omit these steps. Since the beans were in the crock pot all I had to do was mash them. They were hot and mashed up really easily. For some reason I thought I would have to put them into a pot to cook them, probably because that is what I did in the past with canned beans and old habits die hard, but there really wasn't a reason for it. I did, however, use the left over coconut oil from the taco shells to give them more flavor and more of an authentic re-fried bean feel. They were delicious. I highly recommend adding at least a teaspoon of coconut oil to beans. It was really good. Maybe my mother in law was on to something...

Adding some green to my tacos

 Look, I've got a hungry husband and baby. We are on a budget and I needed to make this meal stretch. Lettuce, Greek Yogurt, Avocado with Lime and some sort of Cheese are great fillers. Lettuce and Avocado are the best kinds of fillers because they are so healthy. The yogurt I use in lieu of sour cream. I even buy the cheap one and honestly can't taste a difference.

 I added rice that I had made from the day before from another meal for this meal. I like to cook parts for the week when I can. If I make rice, I make a whole box and use left overs for the next night. And if I can squeeze another night I do it. I hate wasting food and this helps to cut down my cook time as well as have left overs for new meals. It doesn't get old because I think our household just likes rice. It doesn't hurt that I make variations of Mexican rice. It's amazing what a difference it makes to add or omit an onion or tomato sauce. Also, I only use brown rice. People talk about how it cooks differently and it's hard but those people just don't know what they're doing. SOAK YOUR RICE!!!!! It helps with the cook time. Then, cook your rice as normal. 

And after parts of meals are reheated and frying tortillas...

Dinner is served

Generally, the kitchen table is a mess and I usually leave it like that until I decide I need to clean, after dinner. This picture was taken on my bed.

Engineer Prints

Totally just found out about this via pintrest.


http://www.staples.com/sbd/content/copyandprint/engineering-prints.html?cmSearchKeyword=engineer+print




Basically you can have a black and white photo processed at Staples for under $8! The cool part is the size can range as high as 3x4, which is pretty darn awesome. I smell a Birthday banner in the future for little Noah!

Bread!!!

Sorry it has taken so long for me to post!!! It has been a very busy week and even though I'm blogging, I still have no idea who to blog or use this program and had a few issues. 

This week it lighter so I will try for a daily post. 

Last Sunday I was excited about making dinner for the church group. I made a simple bbq chicken in the crockpot using 5 large chicken breasts. I added some salt, pepper and let it do it's thing. When it was super soft I used to forks and shredded it. I added some sweet baby rays bbq sauce and we were set. 

I did originally make my own sauce but found it a little to spicy for the kits. 

I saw some recipes online and made my own sauce, it came out pretty good.

BBQ Sauce Recipe

1 cup Brown Sugar

1/4 Soy Sauce

1/4 Ketchup

1 tspn Vinegar

2 shakes of garlic powder

1 light squirt of mustard

and 1 or 2 shakes of Cayenne pepper

Throw these items into a small pot, stir, let simmer, let cool and serve!

Now, along with my chicken I made some awesome little buns. These are considered hot dog/ hamburger buns but I use them whenever I can. They are moist on the inside and the outside is nice and crisp. I found that if you don't do the egg-wash before you bake them, they are very much like hamburger buns, which I think are gross. 

This is the book I used, it's called The Bread Lovers Bread Machine Cookbook By Beth Hensperger

Ingredients, and a messy table. Disregard the cans of crushed tomatoes as well as the disinfecting wipes.

So I've got this issue. I am incredibly impatient. I used to try to make pizza dough and would just end up eating frozen because I hated to wait all day for the dough to rise and then kneed it then let it sit again. I found it annoying. So, I got this machine for $25 from some guy on Craigslist. I now, usually, only eat the pizza I make. Oh that will be for a future post!!!!!!

Ah yes, the bread machine.

 So when the machine does the work for you, you have more time to do other things. In my life those things consist of baby, cleaning, pup, cleaning, eating bites of whatever I can find, filling the Brita filter because I have a headache and have now gone the entire day without liquids and forgot about it until I got the headache... and then cleaning some more before I have to make a meal or something. 

Pretty self explanatory, the bread ball.

And now we cut the bread into whatever size we want and let them rest. Then I add egg wash and bake.

And here is my beautiful final product.

It is really easy to use and a fantastic easy to follow recipe. 

The ingredient list from The Bread Lover Bread Machine Cookbook by Beth Hensperger is as follows:

1 cup of water

1 large egg

4 tbsp butter, sliced

2 tbsp sugar

3 cups bread flour

1/4 cup nonfat dry milk

2 tbsp potato flakes

1 tbsp gluten

1 1/2 tspns salt

1 3/4 tspn yeast

I have a bread machine so all I do is hear it knead and it takes some time to rise then knead then rise. This is about 1.5 hour process. When the bread has finished it's last rise, I take it out, toss some flour on it and use my dough knife and portion it into 8 equal rolls and let it sit for 30 minutes. When 30 minutes is up I toss the egg wash on top and pop them into a preheated oven at 375 degrees for 18 minutes. My stove runs hot so timing is pretty important. When they come out I let them cool and then eat them as soon as I can. It's a great recipe. Very easy and such a great treat for pretty much anything. 

Time is pretty precious and I make due with things on hand when I'm low on it. I'm assuming that you are low on time so the crock pot recipes are really easy to follow for that reason, I don't have enough time to really cook at the stove everyday. I hope you enjoy these super easy recipes. At the very least, I try the bbq sauce. It's pretty great. Add a little more cayenne for more of a kick.